Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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