What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
