I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I need a beard to bite.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
