My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize
