She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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