So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
