Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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