put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
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