So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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