I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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