We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize