My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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