He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
