I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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