good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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