He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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