You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
