You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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