Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Randomize
