I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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