Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
