Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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