your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
