There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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