No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize