Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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