You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
