Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
