Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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