Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I need to align my fucking chakras
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I'm both gender and math confused
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
