it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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