Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
