Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
