i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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