i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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