You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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