how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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