I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
