How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
it hurts more in the daytime
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
