I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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