see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
