I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize