my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
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