I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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