I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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