dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
