Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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