I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
