You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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