I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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