Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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