I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I just found a bag of teeth...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
