a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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