I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
