Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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