I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
