I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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